God Favors Fools and Drunks

 “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”—Hunter S. Thompson

    After leaving work early for chest pains and dizziness, I wondered if it was all worth it—the decades of excess, substance abuse, hard-partying, chain-smoking, fist-fights, workaholism, general hedonism, sacrificing my body at the altar of Dionysus, and praying to porcelain gods.  In my defense, I never planned for this.  Thirty six…that’s 14 years passed the first time I thought I would die, three years longer than I expected to live, and have always considered anything past my 29th birthday to be “living on borrowed time.”  I never planned to live this long.  Yet here I am, having survived long enough to deal with the repercussions of youth and vice, dealing now with high blood pressure that shoots constricting pains across my chest and drains my energy.  The pervading question is, if I could go back and do it all differently, forsake the sum of my experiences (both good and bad), and be a different person…would I do it?  

    To that I scream a resounding: FUCK NO!  NO FUCKING REGRETS!  

    I remember running into a girl in a bar who I knew from a few years back.

    “How are you still alive!?” She questioned.

    “God favors fools and drunks.” I replied sarcastically.

    That might have been a fun line to play in my early 20’s, but I’m edging ever closer to 40 and middle-age.  I need to make changes.  I should be thankful I somehow made it this far with little consequence.  But I need to not press my luck.  I’m not twenty and invincible anymore.  Everything, at this point, comes with very real and apparent consequences, both a price tag and a cost.

    The first things to go as of yesterday were the energy drinks, of which I was consuming 3-4 per day; replacing them with a morning cup of coffee and a Yerba mate at home.  I cut my alcohol consumption in half—which is still a staggering amount compared to the casual drinker.  My incessant vaping remains unchecked at this point.  The journey of a thousand miles, says the Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu, begins with a single step.  And I’ve taken several at this point.  So some vices must remain in place.  I’m a firm believer that a man without vices develops really annoying virtues.

    Still early in the morning, the sun has not yet crested the horizon.  But it is a new day nonetheless.  I have big plans.  I will run a mile here in a few minutes then sit zazen for the full mind/body experience.  Taking a note from my supper last night which consisted of sockeye salmon and mixed vegetables, I’m altering my diet to reflect a focus on oily fish, organ meats, leafy greens, and fresh fruits.  The good stuff for blood pressure.  The drink of choice for the afternoon will be green tea, followed by low-alcohol beer this evening to take the edge off.

    Sitting here with my second cup of coffee, I’m reminded of the painting of the Three Vinegar Tasters: Confucius, Buddha, and Lao Tzu.  The fist two philosophers are painted wielding a sour expression on their faces as they sample the vinegar, while Lao Tzu simply smiles.  The moral: you must appreciate life for what it is, not what it could, should, used to, or ought to be.  Vinegar is bitter; it is meant to taste that way.  So is growing older and not being able to live the way you did twenty years ago.  You can be like Confucius and Buddha and crinkle up your nose.  Or be like Lao Tzu and not only accept the vinegar for being vinegar, but appreciate it.  Life is all about perception, a subjectivity of the senses—a series of longings for the past and cravings for the future.  But all we have is the here and now.  What breathes purpose into the past and hope into the future is what we affirm in this very moment with our strives to be better today than yesterday.

    Savor the flavor of the vinegar…