Black Cod: My New Favorite Fish

 

    Black cod (also called sablefish or butterfish) live in the deep waters of the Pacific Ocean, primarily off the coast of Alaska.  Found in depths of up to 3,000 feet, these things taste like butter, baby Jesus, and eternal salvation, and are guaranteed to be better than the first time you had sex.  These decadent fish have been traded for blowjobs in Alaska since Vitus Bering claimed the land in the name of Mother Russia back in the 1700’s.  So delicious is this fish, the early Rooskie explorers devised a particular barter system within their early settlements.  A hand-job equated to 1/3rd of a sablefish, a blowjob for a full fish of averaged size, and blowjob plus butt-play for an exceptionally large specimen.  Long before crack cocaine, these half-frozen Rooskies were sucking dick for a fix that tastes at least 77% better than a powdered mixture cut and spliced over a stove in a dilapidated trap house.  Mostly because you do NOT fry this fish.


Black cod with gochujang and shitake mushrooms.  Roasted beets with blue cheese and pecans (PEE-KAN, not Puh-Kahn.  A “Puh-Kahn” is just Puh-Thetic!  Be a Pee-CAN in this life.  If you can’t, move back North).  Beet greens with lemon juice and zest.

    I don’t know if I would have given up my black cod for a blowjob.  The texture of the fish is somewhere between cod (real cod), salmon, and walking through the Pearly Gates.  It’s got all the healthy blowhard stuff of salmon—omega 3’s, good fat, and all that “I never plan on dying!” stuff losers talk and blog about but will still blow it out their assholes like the rest of us if they’re actually healthy enough to take a morning shit after they imbibe in free-range, cruelty-free, wild-caught, gluten-free bread with dairy-free butter.  

“Fuck that farm-raised bread!  That shit is for fascists!”

Black cod is my new favorite fish.  The texture, the flavor, the fat.  I like it topped with an Asian mix, but you can do whatever you want.  It’s a free country [subtle laughter].  Do you.  It’s a good, mild flavor that you can do anything with.  I can never buy a full fish around here.  So I guess I’ll just settle with a hand-job.  But at the end of the day, I really don’t want to give my black cod up.

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